120805 // some things just never change.

Like how:

• I am always out of the loop regardless of how hard I try; a mere outer electron in the f orbital.
• I can never be funny and be able to produce laughter out of my peers.
• A bitch will always be a bitch regardless of how hard her friends try to help her change for the better.
• I am condemned to being and feeling alone.
• I am on the verge of tears whenever I see my friends who I miss so much and tell them of my relatively colorless life in comparison with theirs.
• I end up as a depressed kid regardless of my ‘positive thinking’.
• People feel subconsciously pressured to make a stand.
• People make a stand without making an effort to see both sides of a coin.

120621 // dream diary

OMFG I AM SO HYPER TODAY. I woke up at about 5am because I had this wonderful dream and it’s just so skadlfjlsdkflsdf. I don’t get dreams very often, so this is a big deal to me.

A beautiful young man named Kim Jonghyun [JR from NU’EST] visited me in my dream and idk we were touring somewhere then at one of the stops, he stood so close to me that I can hear his breathing. dskjflksdjflksd And he smiled his beautiful smile and deaaaaaaaad.

Then idk we went down this seriously weird and dangerous stairs. It was more like those monkey bars in playgrounds and not like actual stairs, so naturally I was scared and he held my hand and we went down together. He was so happy and I was too and super akslfdgjladksfjdslf.

Stupid Mr. Bias-life ruiner :(((

skldjflksdjflksdjfalfdkhasdlkfdasf FEELS ; n; Thank you for making my day before it even started. :)

HAHAHAHAHAHA HANGGANG PANGARAP LANG ‘TO, ARAL ARAL MUNA. =)))

YOU KNOW I’LL NEVER GET REAL LIFE CRUSHES FORGIVE MEEEEE

120603 // Welcome to the perpetual unrest of my mind.

When I think, I always feel like I’m split into two personas who can’t help but antagonize each other every single time. It is very tiring, tbh.

——————————————————————————————

1: Why do you worry about things that have not even happened yet?
2: I am just scared. I feel very uneasy. About everything.
1: What is that everything? You are worrying over nothing, do you not realize that?
2: It’s just… I just-
1: Stop it, child. That negative thinking of yours will do you no good.
2: But I can’t help it…
1: Hush, it is going to be fine. You are like this every year, are you not?
2: Yeah, but this is different than-
1: No matter what the circumstance, you always come through. You are a person of great courage deep inside, yet you cower and hide at the simplest of things.
2: I can’t do it, I won’t do it, I’ll just curl up in a ball and cry-
1: I know you are better than this, child.
2: No, I’m barely making ends meet…
1: You are destined for greatness. Why do you not see this? Your God has given you everything. You are just not utilizing it to the best of-
2: Shut up. We all know I suck at life.
1: Why are you being so difficult, child? Why are you afraid? Why are you letting this hold back your wings? Why?
2: …
1: When you were still little, you were never scared of the monsters in your closet or under your bed. You were never scared of the boogeyman and all those preposterous things. You thought of it as silly. Why is that? You are a smart child. You always had your mind over matter. You never believed them because you realized they were just immaterial fears. Illusions of the mind. Mere fantasy.
2: You don’t know anything. That was then, and it was different. This is the real world now and-
1: There is no difference. They are both immaterial fears. Fabricated, fake, fragile. If you overcame them then, you can certainly do it now.
2: I’m tired of this. I admit defeat.
1: There is not one ounce of truth in your words. You are just saying that to make me go away.
2: Shut up.
1: Face your fears, child. Learn from your mistakes. Do not run and hide. You are alive, but not living. Do not waste this life. Your only enemy is yourself.
2: No, you are.
1: We are the same person, the same consciousness. If I can think optimistically, you can do so as well.
2: But-
1: Please do this for yourself. You can do this. All this negativity is draining my energy.
2: …I-I’ll try.
1: Good. There is nothing to be afraid of. All is well, child.

——————————————————————————————

Sometimes, I just want to have an out-of-body experience and scold myself.

This is what happens when I don’t have anyone to talk to.

It happens every single time.

120603 // caught by surprise

holy crap.

I just found out this morning that I have a week-long orientation at my school, starting on the 5th. So technically, it means I HAVE SCHOOL STARTING NEXT WEEK.

See why I think my enrollment was a joke? I didn’t even know anything. Seriously.

And my mom is like, ‘Pack your stuff na.’

NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. Mother of christ. oh and by the way i haven’t even bought college clothes yet poor me

Okay well actually, I knew there was a 3-day orientation. I’m not exactly sure of the date and so like every problem I don’t have the solution for, I ignored it.

IGNORANCE IS BLISS. Now that it’s gone, all I feel is sjdklfhlsadkjflsdkf.

fml.

separation anxiety, forever alone, potato, creying, i won’t be able to watch my bbs next week ;n; real world don’t claim me yet huhuhu

120530 // exterminate

Dear Cockroaches,

I am not your fucking food okay. Go the fuck away from my body.

There’s like seven bites all over my body, excluding the ones you gave me before. Do you like me that much?

I repel people and attract insects.

Boo.

I heard you usually feed on decaying matter.

Unfortunately, I am not dead yet. Please go elsewhere.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

I will exterminate your race.

Please go die now, thank you.

Yours truly,

Violated While Sleeping.

120527 // reunited and it feels so good

Finally.

I couldn’t believe I survived [an estimated] TWELVE DAYS OF NO LAPTOP. One day, my charger suddenly decided to get bitchy on me and won’t supply my pink laptop bb with power… And a lot of things happened at the same time so the repair was pushed back to the bottom of the priorities list.

How did I survive? I barely did, actually. My family noticed my increasing levels of bitchiness - one of my withdrawal symptoms haha. :)) I busied myself playing with our new [but glitchy] Telpad, fixing our desktop and sneaking a few minutes of social networking using my little sister’s skinny laptop [her Macbook Air looks anorexic next to my obese pink Dell Inspiron tbh :/] Yes, I was extra bitchy and every little thing irked me because I had no distractions anymore.

I feel really guilty that I haven’t written since my last entry… It just doesn’t feel right to me writing on paper… which is weird, yes, but I like doing everything on my bb. ; n; Drawing, writing, brainstorming, doing assignments, etc etc.

Anyways, here’s a rundown of all the things that happened and thoughts that entered my mind during my laptop-deprived life [not in chronological order]:

• My best grandfather ever has claimed his ticket of eternal happiness and flew over to Paradise exactly a week ago. […I’ll write about it when I’m ready, promise.]
• Met with relatives almost everyday for a week for Lolo’s wake and burial proper.
• Being [yes, present-progressive tense] an awkward, antisocial, introverted, ugly potato every. single. time. :/ [I therefore conclude my laptop and internet usage is NOT inversely proportional to my social life, which is fixed at point (0,0) l o l]
• Stuffed myself with food, therefore making me even more like a potato. [Because people are nice and they bring comfort food.]
• Some of our friends visited though and made a few hours more fun and bearable. :) [ILU GUYS S O B ; u;]
• My aunt came on a hurried flight from the States to see her dad smiling yet unmoving.
• A confrontation that left me a bit scarred for life.
• Wanting to take away my Lola’s sadness, tiredness and depression.
• Having a few moments of non-awkwardness with my English-spokening cousins playing cards [and learning new games wheeee].
• I am the master of blackjack ha ha ha. :))
• Farewell dinner with our aunt @ Max’s the night before her flight.
• Got four cockroach bites [2 on my left foot/leg; 2 on my right arm]. Gross, I know aksldjaskdj. Ugly and itchy shit. D<
• Bought a new sketchpad and covered it with pretty and inspiring wrapping paper and fortified the covers with the illustration boards I got from my generous classmates [I call them the spoils of academic and co-curricular war l o l].
• Was over at my best friend’s place with my little sister on the first day of no-laptop for a supposed craft party, but we ended up finishing the movie So Close that we didn’t finish watching so many years ago haha.
• WHY DO BIRDS SUDDENLY APPEAAAAAAR EVERY TIME YOU ARE NEAAAARRRR~
• Was on duty at our store and came home to a malfunctioning laptop charger huhuhu
• Had an American Idol Finale viewing party/pizza party over at a friend’s house - SUPER FUN AND FOOOOOOOOOOOODDDD [need I say more?]
• Phillip Phillips is just so sexy ok don’t judge me but his voice and his face and his fingers and his guitar alsdjasld and that voice ugh
• Jessica Sanchez is just AMAZING and has a big successful career ahead of her, regardless of titles.
• Phil won the title of the S11 Idol because AMERICA loved him better [hence the title American Idol]. Jessica won the title of the World Idol because if the voting happened elsewhere, the tables would have been turned [i.e., the Philippines perhaps. or Mexico. haha biased]. IT WAS ALL A MATTER OF FANBASE CONCENTRATION OK. Anyways, it’s a win-win situation.
• I typed Phillipines at first. SHAAAAAAAAAME ON ME [dang you Phil sobs] SHAME SHAME SHAME /shot
• COLTON DIXON FEELS SOBBBBB ILU BB <33333
• Disappointed at the lack of an awards segment this year [I still remember Tatiyana (sp?) HAHAHA :))]
• My feet are forever prone to accidents.
• FINALLY GOT MY GCASH REFUND from the canceled Infinite Season Greetings package s o b
• BUT IT GONE AGAIN BECAUSE I SPENT IT ON BUYING A NEW LAPTOP CHARGER
• IT’S OKAY
• I THINK
• BUT IT HURTS
• my pocket. ; ~; Just a bit.
• Finally bought the cute Total Girl planner that I had wanted to buy for a MONTH already~ I saved up all the change my mother has been giving me because I’m always the errand girl heuheu <- hehe + huhu = mixed feelings [will blog about it when I finally get our digicam to transfer the pics over to my laptop OTL]
• STICKERS OVERLOADDDDD
• Finally learned the usefulness of enrolling phone to unlimited text messaging whee.

Okay, that’s it I guess. XD Also, my 100 facts will resume in a moment. I’m lagging far behind my goal haha.

120512 // welcome back to the world of mindless gaming

Yes, it’s been a few days since I wrote my last entry and I feel a bit guilty about that. I’ve been so caught up in the world of Eden Eternal and have failed to take care of personal affairs in the real world. [Umm, it’s not like I have a life, really. XP]

I blame Bea, my newly proclaimed soul sister, for getting me into this addiction. I already have enough trouble sleeping early pre-EE and now my mind does its best refraining me to retire to bed and shut my eyelids. I am convinced I have no life outside the world of EE because I just started playing a few days ago and I have already caught up with my soul sister’s level who started playing 2 weeks before me.

It’s actually pretty fun tbh. It was a bit Gaia/zOMG!-esque and I like that. [I’m a very nostalgic person.] I have a few complaints though… [thought I might list it here as a kind of game review]

• LIMITED INVENTORY. This has got to be the most annoying thing ever. As I’ve said before, I am a hoarder in every aspect. It’s very hard letting go of things… and sometimes I am stupid to let go the items that are most valuable [hello important mall Scrolls according to Bea that I have discarded to make space]. Extra slots are sold, however, for real money. Boo hoo.
• INTERNET EXPLORER. Oh come on. Aeria. The links in your launcher opens with IE. Not cool. :/ I’m thinking of uninstalling the program altogether.
• DISORGANIZED CHAT. I wish there was a filter in chat [like in zOMG] that let’s you select only the conversations you want to see [like party chats] and not the whole town blabbering about.
• CONSEQUENCES OF DEFEAT. I really don’t like the game dynamics. I mean, at first I didn’t care about losing the 10% EXP & Durability whenever my HP plummets to zero. But as the game progressed, I felt the loss. Badly. I mean, what’s a game without a little trial and error? Maybe it’s just because of my cheapskate nature [concerning the repairs] but… I really don’t like it. Taking back the hard work your players did is not the right way to encourage them to keep on playing, y’know?
• TRANSPORTATION. It’s a bit slow-moving just watching your character advance from screen to screen at a leisurely pace. I hate having to pay at the Warp Portal [Cheapskate, remember?]. Sometimes, I pay to save time and other times… Soul’s Return is my best friend, baby.
• VAGUE INTRODUCTION. I am usually the type of person who hates being shown around a certain place/game/etc through tutorial quests but this time, I felt a little bit lost. Google has been my best friend for troubleshooting [and my soul sister, of course]. I may be at Level 32 now but I feel like a friggin’ n00b. I realize this problem is actually on me, but ugh. This game makes me feel so stupid at times… Cue the several gaming faux pas I’ve had that tinted my face beet red in real life. There are times when I am so embarrassed after screwing something up that I actually want to run away from my laptop and hide under a rock [especially that time when Bea brought a junior - thank God we’re not going to the same school anymore - to help me through the first dungeon and I was just a sitting duck and then she asked me to try out the Arena on her then leaves me then I get stuck there without knowing what to do, so I end up being the heavy baggage in our party of three players, who was by the way several levels ahead of me].

…plus many others that my brain has forgotten to list due to my passionate gaming l o l. You might say that I only listed the bad things and it’s a bit unfair… I’m just too lazy to list the stuff I do like [and this, therefore, creates a gaping hole in what I call my ‘review’]. I want to stop now tbh; my fandom blog’s queue  was left uncared for while I fed my gaming addiction. The only reason that I am able to write this entry at this moment is because the game froze on me whilst exiting the Arena and I just decided to close it because depressing thoughts - of why I sold my semi-valuables to the merchants to make space in my pack and now they are forever lost in the items-sold-to-the-merchants abyss - have been haunting my mind.

120507 // interracial fandom war

omfg I CANNOT get over this. I am in neither fandoms but sjkdfskdlfjskdlfjsdf.

CHINA l m f a o wow.

This is so childish and immature of me but omfg =))

I wonder when the stereotype ‘all Asians are from China’ will end; it’s a very narrow-minded thought, considering all schools have geography in their curriculum.

This is honestly a very shallow matter but I think I can pull out a few important points here [and see why I put this under my blog diary]:

• When something goes wrong, we immediately put the blame on everyone else except ourselves. This is very true, and I myself am guilty. There is nothing else that we can do; what’s done is done so we resort to bashing others as some sort of defense mechanism. To be honest, this sort of thing is inevitable since most people will always have this small part of themselves which they cannot control no matter how level-headed they are; a part that screams immaturity even though they try so hard to bury and hide it in the Tartarus of their souls. omfg what did i just say wtf ok that was a lame analogy i suck forgive me kjnlljkh
• We tend to point out the imperfections and wrongdoings of others to cover up our own and make us feel better about our shortcomings. But seriously, going as far as calling somebody a murderer even though it was an accident… that’s just despicable. I mean, what if you trigger something else in that person? I do not believe Daesung had any malicious intent in that accident that happened a long time ago… it just happens. All the time, actually. He suffered and mourned at a loss of someone else’s life, and you need not rub salt in the wound. It just hurts, you know?
• Quality over quantity. Sure, it’s easier to believe that 1D has more fans than Big Bang. But that doesn’t guarantee anything, which leads me to my fourth point:
• Nothing will happen if you just sit on your ass and do nothing. Want your precious babies to win an award? VOTE YOUR ASS OFF and work hard. I’m not saying that Directioners didn’t give their all; it’s just that VIPs exerted more effort. ifyouwantthatfuckingawardyoufuckingworkhardforityoufuckerandyoudidntsoyoudidnotdeserveitbitterforeverbitterthisconnectioniwillrelateeverythingtothatfuckingeventaslongasiamnotoveritokaythisiswhereitgetspersonal
• Finding the balance is very, very hard. I don’t know what’s worse - beating yourself up over something or attacking the person whom you lost to. I’m not very mature, kthxbai.
• Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you -  empathize. It is the least you can do to clear up misunderstandings. View the matter in another’s perspective. What would you feel if that was done to you?

Okay, that’s my two cents on that matter.

P.S.: If anybody’s wondering, this is about BB winning the best fans award over 1D at the MTV Italy TRL Awards. This is a pretty amusing summary of it all.

Poor China.

120506 // god of study

Just watched an episode of the kdrama, God of Study. It was just a few minutes really, but the impact it had on me… wow. It was just so relevant to my senior year, I couldn’t help tearing up.

I regret not having watched this a year earlier…

It invoked this overwhelming sense of purpose in me. It was just the right touch of inspiration to get my lazy ass working itself off.

Those kids, whose rankings were in three digits, who gave their all, who still gave their best even though they knew they had less of a chance because they weren’t particularly intellectually gifted… They have earned the right to be rewarded. I wish I was like them. 

I could have been… I don’t know… better. I could have made it more meaningful. I wish I hadn’t taken it for granted, to be honest.

Sigh.

I seriously recommend this drama to all incoming seniors who are gonna take their college entrance exams in the next months. It will give you a push in the right direction.

120505 // fangirl + real life

Friend goes on fb and fangirls about her best friend and this guy who used to have a crush on her and went to the same school as us for a year.

Posts couple pic.

Talks about possibilities.

I am seriously this close to commenting, “OTP OTP OTP I WILL GO DOWN WITH THAT SHIP.” 

Slap me hard across my face.

I’M SORRY I KNOW YOU DON’T WANT TO BE PAIRED WITH HIM BUT BB THAT RESEMBLES THE SHIT THAT HAPPENS IN MY SHOUJO MANGAS.

I am all for it.

And so I stuck with clicking the ‘Like’ button.